Damn, it cut the rest of my post.

Wasn't that interesting anyway; just me sniffling over my problems with boys who seem to have their head in the clouds. Well, one in particular.

Mayhap I got a tad overly emotional, it ended in a pitiful cry, something I think I've been yearning for for a while.

We all need to cry sometimes.

I, for one, tend to cry over the silliest things--APBio tests and broken hearts, and once in a while for no particular reason, or because the tiniest thing tipped my emotional scale just a touch off balance--say my mom didn't bring home greek olives to put in the salad for dinner. Or I'm late for something. No reson to cry, but I just do. I feel downright ridiculous, but then again crying gives me satisfaction.

My eyes are just about dry . . . i'm still a bit sniffly, but I'll survive. Of all the things I cry over, this is the most frequent cause. The mention of an unfortunate situation like it, and bam, you've set me off. I can feel my eyes linger on the verge of tears still . . . I can't get it out of my head.

It's all that's left.

Think I might drink something hot and snuggle with a blankee and watch tv . . . or bury my head in my pillow and let loose. Or maybe just sit and comfort myself with thoughts.

What a day this has been
What a rare mood I'm in
Why it's almost like being in love

Oh, the happiness of those damn musical theatre characters. Always happy in the end . . . except for when they're not, but that's not nearly as often. I've really been not too happy lately. I don't get it. Things are going alright, it's not like my life is horrible . . . . hmmmmmm. Well, I know what it is oh too well.

Today I'm feeling downright sad.

I know I should feel wonderful; I'm dancing tonight, we've got a break . . . but I'm starting to feel so pathetic in that nothing ever tends to go right with me. Whenever I want something like no other, I just get all set on it, but I can never get it. Everything--everybody--seems to be some damn unobtainable these days. Or maybe it's just me thinking they're unobtainable that makes them so. I can't tell anymore.

Well, I'm off to watch tv, perhaps . . .

Oh dear . . . somebody closed my window while I was away and lost my post I had half written over here . . . **sigh**

So I was talking to Sarah Miller about what love is. My thoughts on this currently lay as follows:

Sarah was talking about how love is just insecurity. I disagree. While insecurities can drive love, love itself is so much more. I don't think I, or most of my high school friends, have experienced it. It upsets me to see people whose infos are full of "I love my boyfriend!", because they either are completely doing no justice to the word love by using it in such a casual manner, or they just don't understand the profoundness of this phrase. It would be much more appropriate to say, "I like boyfriend more than the average boy", or "my boyfriend has a hot ass", or "i am choosing to associate myself with my boyfriend because i think he's pretty damn cool". Now people don't tend to put things like that in their infos, but they're much more truthful than the "love" bit. As Anna and I discussed, there are different levels to love. For instance: I love fajitas. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I love my parents. I love my husband. First off there's that "love" that you obviously don't love, you just like a lot. You can use this for inanimate objects and such, like fajitas, as stated above. Then there's the "i love my friends", where you really do have an emotional attachment in that mutually platonic way. "I love my boyfriend", well, we've already touched down on that one. And "I love my husband" is signifying that real love, with real attachment, and all that jazz. Doesn't necessarily have to be your spouse, obviously, but you get the whole point. Love and commitment, love and passion, love and commitment, blah . . .

My fingers are about to fall off. It's rather unfortunate.

Methinks my parents need to turn on the heat.

I got this project done today . . . or at least the first step of it. It's a wonderful feeling, to have it off my back. Step two starts this break . . . whoopee!

Speaking of break, i can't believe this wonderful two-day week! Wow, tomorrow's only a Tuesday, but it's a Friday . . .crazy. My first school preformance on varsity dance team! Crazy! Ahhhhh, going to shit my pants . . . .

no, not really.

Must go sing and be bored at Scrooge . . . **sigh**

Whoah, you know what I just realized? I'm in the middle of posting on a different omputer but this is going to be posted before that. Crazy.

Rock for food was tonight! Overall, it was lots of fun. Parts of it were fuckin' awesome . . . but, knowing me and my over dramatizing mind, parts of it were indeed kinda sucky. I kinda piss myself off sometimes, making big deals of simple things. It's a habit I need to stop. And jealousy! Seriously, what's with that? Why must I be jealous? I hate not being able to control my emotions, feeling all these things I hate myself for. And there are soooo many. Seriously, sometimes I'm such a bitch I want to kill myself. I just do really dumb stuff, and then later i just sit there and wonder why the hell I did it. I really don't like the way I deal with . . . . well, just things in general. I mean, sometimes I'm so intent on one thing that I completely let it fuck up everything else, and then it doesn't even work out itself. Then I've just sort of created this world of misery and self pity for me to wallow in.

God, life is so unbearably depressing.

I don't understand how I can come home from a really fun night and feel like everything's going wrong. So much went right tonight . . .

Argh, Anna's snoring and it's distracting me. She's been sitting there, sleeping, making the weirdest noises, for so long. Every once in a while she'll sorta spaz out and sound like she's choking, and then quiet down for a little bit. Ha.

Well, the reigns of sleep are tugging at me yet again.

I think I'll go lie in my bed and lull myself to sleep with thoughts of happiness.

Ya know what phrase I just realized I DON'T like?

Gaining someone's affection.

I don't want to gain his affection. Will you gain my effection? I gained your mom's affection.

(all night long, up and down the hallway)

So I'm really pissed off. You know that feeling where you're really looking forward to something, and you know it would be fun, and then it doesn't end up happening? Yeah. It's kinda like that. I do that all the time though--I get hyped up about stuff, and then something fucks it all up and it never happens. It's just my luck.

Rarrrrrrrr.

You know what is SO DIGUSTING? Really muscular girls. I mean, if a girl is strong and has a nice flat stomach, good for her, but when people get like huge six packs and big arms and stuff . . . it's just gross! My sister is sitting there with some girls from dance team talking about how they wanna get ripped, and I honestly don't know why. My personal favorite female body type is slim, but not muscular. Those girls with no fat on their stomachs at all, but no defined muscle. That's what I want. And I'm kinda close to that, so it's all good with me. Frankly, I never count calories, I always eat dessert, and i really don't care if I gain weight. Being skinny is overrated.

Wow, I certainly am bitchy tonight. I wish I was somewhere else right now.

So I think Glen is really pissed off at me because I was hanging out with other people at homecoming and stuff. I mean, lately I've been really busy and making a lot of new friends, and it's just not easy to hang out with him and Jenny as much anymore--which makes me feel guilty, but at the same time it's kinda weird hanging out with them anyway, because I'm such a third wheel. I need a fourth wheel.

Oh, today at our first dance team competition of the year (!) I did really well!!!!!!!! I only screwed up on like 2 or 3 things, and our team got 2nd, which is the best we could have done there--because there's no way we are ever beating Eden Prairie. They're too good. But anyway, I'm really proud of myself--I think I learned the routine pretty damn well for a week. With a lot of work, we're gonna rock . . . damn!

I hate it when I have an away message up forever and I come back and nobody has talked to me. It's depressing.

I wonder if my sister's gonna leave anytime soon . . . if she does, I can make an hour-long cameo (hehe) at sierra's party . . . woohoo! That would be exciting. I feel bad because I thought my parents would be driving me, and I could get a present along the way (because I am a rather large procrastinator), but now I'm late and present-less. It's a sad affair.

Does that even make sense? "it's a sad affair"???? Ahhhh, I've been dancing too much today, it's wiped all the sense out of me.

Wh-wh-wh-wh-what . . . . I adore Ani Difranco.

Ahhhh, my foot fell asleep! But it was the good asleep, not the bad kind, so it's all good.

Haha, you know I usually say all this in notes I write to people . . . this blog is sorta like a note to myself. Hmmmm. Hiya Lauren! What's up? I'm just sitting here at home, bored off my ass . . . . yeah, typical note stuff.

Ahhhhh, was heisst "typical" auf Deutsch? I knew this, but i forgot it. Hmmm! I can always ask Steffi.

The sleepiness in my foot has now ooxed its way up my leg, and is now attacking the left side of my ass . . . eep.

Oh, again on the topic of voice lessons--so I find out because we've cancelled the past 3 weeks due to dance team, our teacher made us quit lessons! I'm rather angry, I was SO excited to work on stuff with her. I need a new one too, to prepare my honor's choir audition, and my musical theatre piece for solo and ensemble, and all that good stuff. And it kinda sucks because she has a bunch of cool songs that I am singing, and I do not. And at the recital I was going to get to dress up a la slinky lounge singer, and singe jazz songs. But I'm sure I can have just as much fun with someone else . . . no need to sweat it. ^_^

Well, I'm going to go stuff my face, wipe off my whore makeup (or what i can of it) from the competition today, and bug my sister to give me a ride. Or maybe just fall asleep.

So I'm pretty bored right now, although I KNOW I should be doing homework. I annoy myself when my work ethic is so poor that I just her at 10:10 and think about how badly I need to read 4 chapters of the scarlet letter. I'm such an idiot.

I just ate some really good mushrooms. I used to not really like mushrooms, but not . . . mmmmmmmm! Except mine were a tad underdone--but who am I to complain? I'm lucky I had them. Yum. Mushroomy goodness.

Speaking of mushrooms, I wonder how Suzanna is?

Ahhhhhh, short explanation of that transition. Mushrooms can be hallucinogenic drugs. Drugs=Suzanna . . . hahahahahahahahaha

Annnnnyway I haven't seen that girl since August (hmmm I wonder why? could it be because she's in Santa Fe? nooooooooo . . . . ) I was just talking about her tonight--I miss her oodles! I have to give her a call sometime soon.

Haha, I think frank is happy that he has his "l" and "o" keys back . . .

Gekkotan: lots of loot
Gekkotan: loads of old loiterers
Gekkotan: llolololllllllllllllllllooooooooooookkllllllllllolloolkllollll
Gekkotan: i love this

Haha.

Ahhhhhhh, I'm eating a green pepper right now and it tastes like onions! Oh dear.

It's tomorrow! Well, in a way. It can never be tomorrow. Tomorrow will NEVER COME! How depressing is that? As long as you live, it will never be tomorrow. Anyway, it's Friday, and I just came back to my computer to find this wonderful post awaiting me. I have realized I haven't sent it yet, being the crazy girl that I am.

So I saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets today! SO COOL! Like, a million times better than the first one. You realize so much about the books that you never realied before, and although it's not as thorough as the book, it certainly leaves you on the edge of your seat! (literally, just ask Laureen, she was sitting next to me). We were giggling like giddy schoolgirls! Everyone in that movie is just fucking gorgeous. And Laureen and I have such wonderful taste in guys that we were leaning over to each other every five seconds remarking on the fuckability of the cast. They have a fine, wide-ranging cast of attractiveness--you may find, for example, both father and son malfoy to be rather fuckable. 'Tis odd, albeit enjoyable.

I am cold and nervous about my dance tournament/clinic tomorrow. I hope I can really show everyone that I deserve to be on varsity! Hehe . . . I'll be crossing my fingers.

I remembered the end of my line from my last post! I was going to say, "I need to find out where Anna gets her croissants" because they work well with making sandwiches.

Anyway . . . I look like crap today. I really don't care if other people think I look like crap, because judging people by their appearance is crap, but I always feel so upset when I don't look my best. It bothers me. Like, if I don't like what I'm wearing, it nips at my conscious constantly during the day. Rar.

So I took two tests today, one of which I forgot was today and the other i read the chapter for the first time last night. Surprisingly enough, I think I did really well on both! It's a surprisingly pleasant feeling, one of accomplishment and self-worht--which is pretty damn rare with me. I seriously need some self confidence. I mean, I'll have my moments, but at other times I just find it so hard to be confident in myself. I really don't know if I was someone else if I'd be friends with me, ahhh, I'm such a loser. On a slightly (although not altogether) different note, it's really hard to be yourself when you don't know who you are.

I haven't had voice lessons in ages, and I have to miss them again this week--it's kinda sucky. I love them so dearly!!!!! Every time I sing something new, and I get into the song, and I truly enjoy myself . . . . mmmmmmmm, it's a complete singgasm. I feel like I could fly. I'm trying to develop a good vocal jazz technique, because seriously--how cool would it be to sing with jazz band when I'm a senior? You bet your arse it would be fantastic. I'm seriously in love with singing. If I never find a perfect guy, I'll just go elope with some sheet music.

Do nothing till you hear from me
Pay no attention to what's said
Why people tear the seams of anyone's dream
Is over my head
Do nothing till you hear from me
At least consider our romance
If you should take the word of others you've heard
I haven't a chance
True I've been seen with someone new
but does that mean that I'm untrue
When we're apart
the words in my heart
reveal how i feel about you
some kiss may cloud my memory
And other arms may hold a thrill
But please do nothing till you hear it from me
And you never will

!

Hehe, love that song. I'm singing it in voice lessons. It's from this glorious book I have with jazz songs from back in the 20's, 30's, 40's . . . somewhere around there. I get th three decades horribly mixed up.

So being on dance team has made me feel so horrible eWHITE (I seriously look like I'm DEAD next to all of those girls), I've actually started going tanning with my sister. Yeah, it's silly, and yeah, I'll get cancer, but every time I'm around them I feel like they're a different race than me.

Well, a brief snack, maybe a little bit of Harry Potter and the Sorceror's stone, then maybe I'll write more . . . or maybe I won't! Haha, you are left in suspense . . . . **cackles horribly**

I tried to make myself a ham sandwich, but it didn't work. THe croissant wouldn't toast. I need to find out where Anna

Ahhhhhhhhhh! I left, and then I came back, and I can't remember the end of my sentence, so we will all have to wait in suspense until it comes back to me.

So I went tanning, finally. I put on one of those little stickers and, after seeing the difference, I think I might have actually tanned a little bit! Amazing. So maybe if I keep it up, I'll be relatively normal colored. So I'll be tan, with my new green eyes, and I'm thinking of dying my hair back to brown, the color it should be. I'm just faking it up here . . . I'll have to go out and do something outrageously unique to remind myself that I am, indeed, my own person. Oh dear.

So our show choir is beginning to look semi-decent! We're still not the most amazing group in the world, but we look better than the beginning of the year, when we were just crapping it up. Well, at least on dancing we're improving. We don't have that many strong singers, unfortunately. Can't wait until we get dance captains, hopefully I'll be one. I want to get practice so maybe i can be dance captain in Old Abe my senior year. But that's oh-so-far away, so no worries about that for now.

On Harry Potter--turns out I can't go on Friday. HOW SHITTY! I was sooooooooo excited. Now I'm rather annngry. Turns out Varsity Dance Team may be more of a commitment than i would have hoped for.

Well, this may turn out to be a short entry, because I must be getting to dance, and I need some food beforehand (although I'm really not hungry). Oh well, I shall get a soda and some bread, hehe. Oh, and can't forget dessert! Hehe. I feel like eating Italian so I can get tiramisu! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. LOVE that stuff. We need a good indian restaurant in Eau Claire! I went to the best one in Chicago; got all this wonderful nan, shrimp, lassis . . . the whole works. I was sooooo greatful. I mean, it was probably the best Indian food I've ever eaten! Yum.

I've been moody today. Feeling regular the first half of school, flirty 6th hour, excited 7th hour (to go home!) melancholy after school, giggly an hour or so ago, and now I'm juist plain grouchy. And not just little emotions; large, distinct mood changes. Odd; usually I only get 2 or so a day. But hey, things change. ^_^ Sometimes for the worse . . . **thinks about last summer** Don't you ever just look back and feel that horrible regret? That you had something wonderful, but you let it slip through your fingers, and now that you don't have it anymore you realize how much it meant to you, and how you'd do anything to get it back . . . but then again, it's my own stupid fault, I shan't complain. **sigh**

Well, I'm off to dinner and dance.

Aieeeeee!!!!!

I'm not feeling quite myself today. I say it's a hangover, but Anna tells me it might not be. Whatever it is . . . it's a beast. Last night I got drunk for the first time ever, and while it was fun while it lasted, now i just want to shrivel up and die. Ahhhhh, I'm such a loser! Maybe "badass!Lauren" needs a little break. She has fun, but then "practical!Lauren" doesn't seem to like her too much.

Oh . . . I got onto varsity dance team! It was odd; I wasn't nervous at all until those 10 minutes or so that everyone was done and we were all waiting in the hallway for the results to be posted. My mind was working in overdrive, and I just realized . . . I really wanted it. I had been on JV last year, and this summer, and I always looked up to varsity with such awe. When we saw the list, there were only 3 new people on varsity--me, Missy Sherkenbach (who was on JV this summer) and Sarah Casper (who's never been on dance team at all). We've had 2 practices so far, and I've picked up most of the Poms dance and we've started learning the totally kick-butt jazz dance. The only problem is that we have to preform the Poms dance at clinic next week. I'm really nervous! I feel like I might drag the team down . . . eeeep!!!!!! But they're all horribly nice people. Which is, undoubtedly, good.

In winter I get hangnails! Ouch, they hurt. It's depressing, though--all of my skin just dries out, everywhere--on my face, on my lips, on my fingers . . . just dry, dry, dry. I need some lotion.

Nair doesn't work all the time, and it smells. You'd think that they could come up with a better formula . . . they're even supposed to have these new yummy-smelling ones, but they smell too. Rotten eggs. If I ever use it, I go insane because the smell lingers all day. Yick! They ought to do their homework and figure out how to make it better.

I really want a smoothie from Seattle Pride right now! I don't think they're open, though--unfortunately. At least, the one by memorial wasn't open earlier.

I CAN'T FIND MY MOULIN ROUGE DVD! It's not in it's case! I'm horribly worried--I love it to pieces. I was at someone's house the other day, and we caught 15 minutes or so of it (near the end) on tv, and it just made me want to watch it so badly! It was the part where he had just stormed out on the play after pretending to be the pennisless sittar player, and she turns around --she looks so sad, so sincere. The tears, the heavy breathing, the bright lights and the stage makeup . . . I simply cannot put into words the emotion that picture rustles from my heart. When she sings, I don't care about the disease, the times, her life, anything. It's such a beautiful moment that I just want to be her. And he joins her, and it's almost TOO beautiful. To experience that would be worth a lifetime of anything.

**chuckles** Sappy!Lauren is getting carried away here. Again.

Ahhhh, the weather changes it, and with it . . . not my clothes. I need to put on some more layers--here i am, shivering in a tanktop. Oy.

I really want to watch Velvet Goldmine right now! But now, my parents won't let me . . . . and I need to finish Rocky Horror Picture Show--I started it last night, but never saw the end. I really want to go to rocky this year with Anna . . . we'll have to see how things work out.

I've started to get really weird cravings for random foods while dancing. They'll change really quick-like. One seconds I'll be craving kalamata olives, the next pink lemonade, and maybe nachos after that. Today I wanted a sub sandwhich more than life itself. My parents were supposed to bring me one too! But then my mom gimped out and brought me some bread and blueberry juice. That stuff is weird; it's like drinking blueberry pie. Hmmmmm.

So Harry Potter comes out on the fifteenth! I need to get my tickets T'ODAY. I'm WAY excited. Sometimes I'm such a dork I dont know what to do with myself--this is one of those times. I have a poster for the movie. Somebody hit me. Oh, and a harry potter wall calendar--HA! But that one's not my fault, Maria Niemuth gave it to me out of her own goodwill. I didn't go asking.

Well, I'm off for a celebratory smoothie for getting onto varsity . . . . hehe, yum.

So . . . I finally get a blog. After wanting to for so long . . .
**looks around** Not too shabby. I'm so sick of trying to figure out exactly who I am. I've been searching around for a while now, it's too confusing. I feel like I don't know myself, I don't know who I am . . . I suppose everyone goes through this at some point or another. But for now, I just want to figure it out, you know? I sit here and think what makes me myself--what gives me a personality. For the life of me, I have no clue. I've been thinking a lot about things like that lately, actually. For example . . . what is conversation? What makes it interesting, what makes you laugh . . . We speak for communication, and what is that needed for? How is communication pleasure? Ahhh, but it is. A good conversation can go on for hours . . . talking about experiences, things you want to experience . . . is that all conversation is? Experiences? What is there to talk about? We takl about things we've done, things we want to do . . . things that might be humorous. But what makes soimething humorous? It's so hard to define these words, these concepts. We talk about beliefs too. And beliefs are somewhat about experiences. It all pretty much winds down to that. We want to have the most pleasant experiences we can while we're on this earth, and we try to give other people pleasant experiences too. People who are bad are simply people who might get in the way of your or someone else's experience. Yet we get held back from experiencing things by the silliest constraints. Sometimes, it's ourselves. So we live our lives for experiences . . . and we all want to be happy. We want love. Love is this grand thing that we all talk about, but not many have experienced. Ahhh, there it is again: experience. And here I am, not having truly experienced it, but talking about it like I know something. I don't believe that I can really comprehend love right now--I can't understand it, yet I yearn for it. We hear so much about it, yet as hard as I try, I can't find it. I had a boyfriend last year--then only one I've had so far. Didn't even come close to loving him. In fact, it was rather uncharacteristic of me to like someone with such a different personality than I--usually I fall for a person, and then pine over them while they haughtily turn up thier nose. But this time, he fell into me, and I gave way, just to try it out, but realized he wasn't the person I wanted to be falling with. It was one of those superficial things--you say you're going out, but in actuality you go out for a month without a real date. Those relationships nauseate me--if you both like each other, don't just say it and sort of stand there smiling ditzily at each other! Do something, dammit. Well, now I'm back to the pining stage . . . staring at a boy from afar and wishing I had the shred up courage it takes to just go for it and make yourself happy, or perchance have your false hopes deflated and be no worse off than you are now. But alas, I can never find it in me to stand up and take that first step . . . or if I try, I stumble and take a small baby step, only to pull back my foot as if i had stepped on a hot iron. Then I wonder--what would I have to do to gain their affection? But I stop myself right away. I mean, if they don't really like me for who I truly am . . . they don't deserve me. At least, that's what I tell myself--and I only half-believe it. You only want to comfort yourself, you know that--and when you really like someone, for who they are, you know--or at least your mind has contorted itself into knowing--that they deserve you, or more. **sigh** I must go ready myself now. Dance team tryouts tonight . . . wish me luck!